[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
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Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Need this in my life lol
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.