Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
THIS HEADLINE
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE