People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
The Backseat Boys
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.