Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
You Might Also Like
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.