Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
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Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
thank god the sign was there
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume