Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.