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I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
me and my fake scenarios
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
A game married people play.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
This rocks