A game married people play.
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mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school