I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
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Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.