How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini