The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista