Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
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[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
welp
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
two people or more is called a problem
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad