@rachelle_mandik

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

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@L8yK8y

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

@MarfSalvador

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

@mrjohndarby

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

@LibyaLiberty

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

@JohnHilsen

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

@PAT_E_ROCK

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

@BraandoCommando

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?