me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping