Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?