9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards