Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
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sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?