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I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
The Friday File.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.