Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.