Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Pandas 🐼🖤
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.