15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
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Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.