“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
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Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
There are usually two types of merchants.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now