I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.