“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
OH. COME. ON.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”