*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
This could be us but you eatin’
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no