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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I needed a laugh this morning.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”