You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
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This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“just sayin” who asked you though?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.