“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
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No, he would not have.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide