My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
hackers play passwordle
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym