Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
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I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.