I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
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Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here