My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
You Might Also Like
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”