Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

He wanted to make sure😂

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*