I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You Might Also Like
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher