I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
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Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I wish I were this cool 😂
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
