I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.


[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on


Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.


Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.


Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.


My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.


Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue


My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.