A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You Might Also Like
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.