@MoistPork

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

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@robdelaney

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

@RodLacroix

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

@clichedout

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

@Schindizzle

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

@teddywah

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

@Manda_like_wine

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

@SaraESpivey

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

@sonictyrant

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

@ChaseMit

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.