Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.