If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
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Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away