The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
This is not me but this is me
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked