Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
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Anime is real
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Yoga Matt
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I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Note to self: always read the final line
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Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?