Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
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I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that