Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
#milo
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
yeah no that’s fair
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby