@TopherKearby

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

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@PerfectPending

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

@KevinLSchwartz

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

@Kyle_Lippert

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

@jaden

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

@KevinBuffalo

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

@coketruck76

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

@champagngetaway

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

@ItsAndyRyan

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

@SwartyComedy

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.