Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
*seductively corrects your posture*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.