“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.