[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
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[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”