George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Yes, but it was never about money
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.