me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
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At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
She was REALLY feeling it.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
no refunds
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts