Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
You Might Also Like
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.