Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

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Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time


Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”


Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.


Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.


If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping


Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?


friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you


I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards


[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”