Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.