I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I’m too immature for adultery.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.