Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”