Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Watson was Holmes schooled
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.