if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
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I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
mom had nothing to worry about
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.