got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
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Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Does beer think about me too?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.