Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
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[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?