[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
groan^2
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?