“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
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I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?