“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
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my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
seems like a niche market
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Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
definitely did not do anything wrong
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–