Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
You Might Also Like
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
a public service announcement
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.